What I Am BECOMING Is More Important Than What I Was

Ok just because my thoughts are running I felt I needed to come on again :) It is so important to constantly see yourself in the future tense. What I mean is; see what you are becoming, rather than what you were. We will make mistakes, err, faulter: but seconds after it happens you have to let it go. Resolve it, seek a solution, make amends, forgive yourself and move on! You are not your past, you are your future. Persons will keep an image of you based on how you acted in the past; you can't blame them. They don't have the capacity to know what you are becoming. Smile when they see you from past lens and remind yourself that you are not that person. In fact their interpretation of your past actions might be completely wrong anyway, but that doesn't matter. It is impossible for you to be the same person a that you were a minute ago. so much has happened on a physical, emotional, psychological level within the last 60 seconds. :) WHAT I AM BECOMING, IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT I WAS! You could have been the greatest student in high school, if you have become a coach potato, you are not longer that great learner. You are becoming lazy.

There is already sooo much baggage being continually sent on us from our dysfunctional families, from a corrupt society and from a world led by predominantly ARROGANT, CONDESCENDING, SELFISH people. Why after ALL that dust covering our truest self.. which is the DIAMOND underneath should we add more psychological dust to ourselves. AHWAH! Let it go and move on to a more positive future!

THE PILL OF WILL

On August 3rd I took my last dose of fluoxetine 20mg. I have been on the meds for 2 months. I should have continued until 3 months then review and do another 3 months depending on the doctor's recommendation. That is how it usually flows on the medical scene.  I am a registered nurse, however my experience has been mainly in teaching, early childhood research and mental health reform. The side effect that most bothered me was the increase in anxiety (the tension, uneasiness and inability to relax). I was on lorazepam to assist with that, and to help me sleep at night. I really hated knowing that I could't sleep on my own.. so I tapered myself off the the loraz.. with some stress relieving practices. I'll tell you it was a real challenge.. or should I say has been. Dealing with this level of anxiety in an effort to get of the meds, was a real test of will. The thing is that, I had experienced anxiety, stress and tension before but not in this sudden and intense way, I just found myself unable to relax at times. I stretched, drank cocoa tea, bathed, took deep breaths, meditated which helped but I had to do it continually and take time out in the bathroom at work sometimes. My thing was, "NO MATTER WHAT, KEEP THE CALM!" Even though I was tense... just focus on what I had to do. Working is a very good way to keep the mind off the anxiety.. of course assuming that you like your work and have some passion in the area. Knowing that I had work to do and did not want to disappointment myself, the team and director gave me motivation. I HAD TO GET OUT OF MY HEAD, out of my feelings, and realize that I will feel down and anxious yes, but I CANNOT continue to let it slow me down and ruin my precious time here on earth. NOBODY KNOWS THE TROUBLE I FEEL (except the Creator) therefore NO ONE is capable of helping me as much as I can help myself! Even though you tell a friend or family they can NEVER really know how you feel! They can help.. but I AM BEST EQUIPPED TO HELP MYSELF. Even the help I get from others is a manifestation of me seeking ways to help MYSELF. The only person that is ALWAYS WITH ME IS ME and by that I mean the HIGHER ME (which is my CREATOR). I am an expression of a higher being who is there with me ALWAYS. My soul needs nothing more! My body however with has it's lesser demands. On August 3rd I decided that I would take the PILL OF INNER WILL each day instead of  prozac. I won't advise anyone to take that brave move without carefully assessing their knowledge, support system and personal situation. Now I feel better. Last night I finally slept for 7 FULL hours and woke up feeling completely relaxed. I have put on weight (which I was losing on the meds) and have deeper sense of confidence. I CAN RETRAIN MY MIND out of depressive and anxious thinking which has become a learnt response throughout my years. I believe that the message I have received from being adopted at 7, being in a world consumed with discrimination, being governed by a system that pays foreigners to come teach you what you are qualified to teach, and continually treating the FOREIGNER with more value and respect than our own... told my brain to get accustom to rejection, doubt yourself and it promote a state of discomfort and uneasiness in my spirit, because I am a sensitive being. To add to that I am also an artiste so that makes me even more sensitive ( I think ) Despite all that the truth is the truth.. we can feed ourselves with lies for many life times, but the truth will remain. I AM WORTH MORE THAN MY MIND COULD CONCEIVE! Worry, jealousy, depressive thoughts and controlling behaviors are absolutely useless.

My Story

Recently I have been digging into my life experiences in an effort to understand myself. Why? Because this week my doctor told me that I am suffering from depression and if I don't get some help it may become severe. The thing is that I didn't visit him. He is a close friend of mine, who is around me very often. He knows most of my levels of functioning, coping etc. I know that I battle with depression and had convinced myself, even though I am a health professional, that it is just the mild- moderate form that I can handle on my own.